The New York Office Strikes Back As (Checks Notes) Jack Coleman Was Called Onto The Stream Last Night

So Tommy tweeted this out yesterday as I was back in my hotel room, getting suited up for a pivotal Game 4 matchup between the Yankees and Guardians. And I’ll be honest with you guys, for the first time since I hopped off the plane at LaGuardia on Monday night, I felt unprepared. I was ready for an all-out war this week (after replaying the video in which the office said all the things they would do if I set foot in New York), but the truth of the matter is, I haven’t even had to open my playbook yet. I assumed there would be guests (or more specifically, a guest) on the streams all series. The Yankees are huge favorites, I have to sit there for 3 hours at a time, and it could be an all-out verbal (and unfortunately physical without repercussions according to our boss) beatdown every time Aaron Judge hits a home run to the moon. But that obvious chess move never came to fruition, so I’ve just hung with the boys all series. Fun group! But after seeing Tommy’s tweet, I got a little nervous. I wouldn’t call it a pit in my stomach, per se, but the wording of his post gave me an uneasy feeling that I was about to go to war for 3 hours, as the underdog, with someone who could actually get under my skin.

Now I want to take a moment real quick, before I continue, and make one thing clear: I have no problem with the original “Yankees Crew” from night one of the streams being cut by 50% in less than a week. It would be very easy to make a joke about the New York crew always taking days off (specifically Friday) and not coming into the office, but I won’t do it because I know the truth. Marty had a wedding, and Big Ev had to fly to Bloomington for today’s College Football Show. I don’t know where Billy was, but I’m told he actually isn’t a part of the usual streams despite being on the thumbnail. Therefore, this blog is not about who was missing, rather about who they got to fill in.

My first thought was Dave Portnoy. That would’ve never crossed my mind when this weeklong escapade started, but after completely shifting my onslaught from the New York Office to our washed up boss, to the point where he publicly became the Yankees #1 fan, I thought he might make an appearance. My second thought was Kirk Minihane. Another Boston guy, but an elite agitator who has a clear disdain for me. My third thought was Connor Stalions. He’s formed quite a little relationship with some Barstool personalities lately, using them as a mouthpiece to spew his lies, and he is one of my least favorite people on Earth. That’s who I had it narrowed down to, and the internet had also tossed in Big Cat to come be Pinstripe Dan for the night, although that wouldn’t have made much sense. He probably would’ve ordered us some blizzards and we’d talk about who played well in the afternoon basketball session back in Chicago that day. 

Anyways, while this did give me a feeling of not being able to control the situation, I must admit I was giddy with excitement to see who it was. I felt like Kevin McCallister in Home Alone 2…..Christmas in New York! What was I going to get? And with the tension palpable of everyone in the office being aware of who was coming in except me, with both the Mets and Yankees fans filling the cave, Tommy gave the speech of a lifetime that I flat out misheard. He sarcastically called him a Yankee fan. He called him a defender of women. And then I swear to God and you can listen back / ask Tommy what I said to him after….I thought he said it was Kirk Minihane. But it was not. He said it was Kirk Minihane's...and then the cheering for their hero got too loud....former producer, who quit the job because he couldn’t handle the heat of the internet nor wake up on time….hold on let me make sure I have his name correct…he said it was Jack Coleman.

My Christmas was ruined. And I sincerely apologize, on behalf of Barstool Sports, to those who tuned in expecting to see someone with more followers than the amount of likes per tweet that this random guy named Michigan Mike has averaged this week. They thought it might be Dan, Dave, or Kirk…and while Jack might be the size of three of them combined…he clearly could not fill any of their shoes. This call for reinforcements honestly reminds me of when Blake Griffin called the Police because Chris Paul was threatening to beat up the Clippers. I bullied the New York Office to the point where they called….this guy?

Tommy (who I genuinely like and think should be sitting front and center of these streams) will likely say that Coleman was not an attempt to troll me. And while there is certainly some truth to that, my point is that someone should’ve told….checks notes again….Coleman. Because when you roll into the stream wearing a uniform like I have been, blowing an airhorn like I have been, and eating Peeps like I have been……it’s clearly not the Yankees you’re there to watch. Source: Coleman himself.

Viva La Stool literally tweeted that this was the “Battle of the Century”. I would classify it more as the first preseason game in which neither team plays their starters….because no one cared. Coleman is neither a Yankees fan nor an employee of Barstool Sports, and I have zero ill will towards him. He did a good job taunting me, but we were friendly on the stream. I mean, I actually like this Jack fellow. He brought some energy to the biggest moments, calling me a bitch, clapping in my face, and my favorite, getting me to sit on a peep (should’ve heated it up first so it stuck). He also referenced my Dad’s Parking Spot, my season long Ohio State bet, a Kirk Minihane Show classic hit of me deleting tweets, and my Peep Show. And after hearing all that he knows about me, people are starting to wonder, Is Jack Coleman a loyal Tatriot? 

Either way, the fact of the matter is that for a moment there, I thought I was gearing up for a treacherous battle, but it turned out to be less than a pillow fight. The viewers thought they were getting a Prime Rib sandwich from Eataly, but instead they got an uncut, soggy PB&J  with two buttends of the loaf of bread.